Oh, Lord! Don’t deprive me of Your Love…

Just like Peter who was sinking, Lord, don’t deprive me of Your Love…

The past few days were difficult, as I was faced with several temptations. Outwardly nothing changed, I continued to pray, praise, and do as befits the love of Christ so as not to betray His love.

But I confess that deep down inside something had changed – not that I stopped believing in the Omnilove and the Almighty Power of our sweet Jesus, but rather I began to believe that I did not deserve for God to help me and come to a solution to my problem. But even if this was the case, I should have followed our Holy Mother’s perfect example and accepted God’s decision without allowing it weary me psychologically.

Eventually, thanks to constant prayer and praise and reading hymns to Jesus Christ and His Holy Mother, Panagia, I came to my senses and felt how blessed I already am, that I have my health, my family, my dreams about the future, and the love of our Heavenly Father, our Christ, and Our Most Holy Theotokos. I already am Your favorite child because countless were the times You have helped me.

So when I came to myself, I said :

“my God, I am sorry! That’s all the strength I have and I just broke into pieces. Forgive me for my sinfulness and my misery.

You were the One who Was crucified and I groan for nothing.

I’m so small in front of You but I really love You, and I did not stop doing everything You love and staying away from dark paths. I am nothing compared to Your Holiness.

But I am also human, although I understand that’s an excuse we often use to cover up for our weaknesses and sins; and by Grace, I am Your child, and I love You.

Do not deprive me of the unique warmth of Your Love, You, whose Grace, the Majesty of Heart and Humility lifted the whole world on Your shoulders; I promise to accept with love every trial You send my way because the worst that could happen to me is to lose the warmth and inexplicable Joy of Your company and not being under Your loving wings. “

I reminded myself that I was guilty of being ungrateful, looking back to every moment my Guardian Angel, Most Holy Theotokos, and my Lord, Jesus Christ were protecting me. For example, I can remember the exact time Mrs. A. (my book’s main character) was born, it was a very still and quiet moment. I was home alone for the first time after battling cancer and I was so used to staying in the hospital, that I had to have an adjustment period since I returned to my residence. I can revive the exact sounds, a mixture of solid stillness and birds chirping at a playground near my home. It was a bittersweet mix of happiness for someone that had just come back to life, after 9 hours of surgery and many months of chemotherapy. I can also recall my feelings, thinking, where is everyone going after their surgery? are they just going to go home and go on with their lives as if nothing had happened? Was I supposed to stop asking questions too? I guess you can’t explain a miracle; you live and carry within you a miracle. How else could anyone reason that I was insisting on doing more tests that led to detecting a very silent cancer that had already progressed? Everyone was telling me I was overreacting, and at 23 years old, I was more than healthy. In spite of my expressed worries and the increased pain in the lower point of my back that was reflecting my ovarian cancer’s place, no one was listening. I held on to two little Orthodox Christian Icons of Jesus and The Most Holy Theotokos as I was entering the surgery room, and although the doctors were very skeptical about my situation, I made it through and exited the operating room successfully. Fortunately, we all also have a silent friend on our side, called Jesus Christ, Who Is available 24/7 and Is the only One that can actually help us, instead of turning to people who are already occupied with worries themselves. He Is waiting to hear from us, patiently, He Is always reaching out to us, in ways we cannot comprehend; the unknown man who helped us avoid the car on the street, the unknown woman who asked us if we were ok when we were crying during lunch break at work, the nurse who tucked us in bed in the hospital, when all the relatives and friends were untraceable.

To whoever reads this post, and is or was battling cancer, always remember that when there is silent cancer (without any symptoms), there is also a silent friend, our Heavenly Best Friend, Jesus Christ! JESUS CHRIST we magnify Thee!

Jesus Christ Is my freedom, my best friend, my comfort, my companion, the One who nurtures me, my provider.

Asking for more would make me ungrateful °°° ¦

Jesus Is the One that brings Joy to Christmas, not the bright lights and expensive gifts °°° ¦

My Jesus Is so sweet, when I talk to Him, a sweetness and a light of comfort fills my soul and I just never want to let go! Oh, how foolish I have been all this time, searching for the whole world το feed the void inside my soul, instead of reaching out to You. Our soul is wired from its creation, to seek You, in order to feel complete, otherwise, it gets dark and out-of-this-world lonely, because it is separated from You.

And You have been kindly and patiently waiting for me, to come back to You, loving me even when I had turned my back on You, when it was me that needed You and should have reached my hand out! Your love for us is infinite, has no boundaries, it’s illogical and I only hope I will be able to show You how grateful I am for allowing me back into Your endless source of Love! Thank You, Jesus!

Please forgive me for all the times I didn’t know what I was doing and forgive my brothers too¬ for without You, we are blind leading the blind.

Oh, Heavenly Father, thank You for forgiving me for my sinfulness and taking me out of my sadness, by allowing me to experience Your Presence in my life; each day that You do is a gift. I apologize to You for hurting You every day, for keep taping in the wounds of the nails that pierced Your Holy Body with my past actions, You, the only One who Hasn’t sinned.  

and yet You Gave Your Precious Life for our sake.

Thank You for the warm home that You have secured for us. I hope that my wish will be heard and that the world will come to itself, in a wonderful, miraculous way, and return to the warmth of Your Fatherly Embrace.

My Christ, and my God! I LOVE YOU!

I am so sorry my sweet Jesus Christ, that I made You sad, especially these days that are dedicated to celebrating Your birthday; I let the temptation blur my heart and so I forgot what is really important.

 Like another Peter who is sinking,

Please, Forgive me and do not deprive me of Your Joy…

Love, your child…